Even enlightened crones have a dark side. The years may have brought wisdom, perhaps some patience and gentleness as well, but there remains, at the core, a slow-seething cauldron of darkness. It's full of self-pity, guilt, prejudice, self-righteousness, and rage.
This page, then, is a repository for the less lovely parts of me. I hope, as I grow and improve myself, the entries become fewer and farther between.
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It Just Keeps Coming...
My God, what a ride the last few months have been. It hasn't been anything even remotely resembling good, and continued misfortune for those I care about has me feeling decidedly pissy.
It wasn't good when my son lost a job he loved, and in a really shitty way. It was worse when my grandson of the heart fell asleep at the wheel and died in a car crash leaving behind two sets of biological grandparents and three younger siblings, less than two weeks before Christmas.
It's not getting any better. Now their granddad is in very bad shape,
and the prognosis is not good. A little over two weeks ago he was
admitted to the ICU and, although he’s since been moved, to an acute
care facility, everything is still very much touch and go. First, and
foremost, he needs to recover so he can enjoy what life still lies ahead
of him, to spend more precious hours with those grandbabies.
Beyond that most important aspect, though, there is more. His woman had created a nice little business that has provided some extra cash for the "extras" the kids need - sports equipment, school functions, etc., but his income was what took care of the bills. Now that is gone. And, because they chose not to marry (despite being together for over 20 years) she won't be eligible to receive either his pension or his social security if he doesn't make it. I can't imagine anything scarier than being a woman alone, with no real income and four kids to look after.
There is some "family money" which will help a bit and their home is free and clear, so there is that.
Yesterday
I planned on taking out a meal and a few extras: roast chicken, potato
salad, buttered noodles, gravy, biscuits, along with fresh fruit,
yogurt, and a couple packs of string cheese. Well, I had done the potato
salad and made an apple crisp, and was just starting on the chicken,
when the power went out. Since I have an electric range, well, not what I
needed! Lugged the birds to my sister’s house where there was power,
and a gas oven but, by the time that was all sorted and the noodles
made, I was tired and frustrated and never did make the biscuits and
gravy. I loaded everything in the little Jeep and got it all delivered
by five.
I doubt
it mattered, but I get so frustrated when things take me twice as long
to do as they used to. Back “in the day,” I could have knocked that out
in three hours and not drawn a deep breath. Yesterday it took almost six
and that was leaving out two things and winding up tired and aching.
This getting old shit can be a pain in the ass.
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Pre-Christmas Chaos
I hate this time of year, the time leading up to Christmas,when the entire house is turned upside down as I try to juggle all the parts to make that one day the best it can be.
Current status: The gifts that must be bought, those for the "littles" are taken care of but I want one more for my Darling Girl, and I want to do something for sons Elder and Younger. It's a mom thing. The boys are grown and don't expect anything but, as a mother, I want to give something to acknowledge how much they do for me. Something tangible, not just another "Thank you, son." Will I be able to do those things? That remains to be seen and will depend on which of next month's bill(s) I might be able to let slide for a couple of weeks.
The kitchen has morphed into something resembling downtown Beirut. Table and counters are piled high with things that need to be put somewhere. But where? There are dishes sitting in the sink waiting for me to unload the dishwasher so they can have their turn. The floor needs swept, not least so I can retrieve the bottle of allergy meds that the cat has helpfully batted as far back beneath the table as it can go.
The vacuum needs run, the junk room needs de-junked and mopped. Clean laundry needs put away and dirty laundry needs washed, and my nasty old feet need a good soaking, exfoliating, and lotioning.
The ham still needs to be bought, cookies need to be baked, and I'm out of cigarettes. Those (and anything else requiring the use of filthy lucre) will have to wait at least five more days and, more likely, ten. At least, the bills are paid. All of them. So, there is that.
All of this will shake out in the two or three days just before Christmas, it always does. Each year, I promise myself I'll do better the next year. I'll plan better, execute better, do better, and everything will run smooth as silk. Someday, it may even happen.
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